ABOUT THE BOOK:
Name:13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do Summary
Book's name:13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do
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Book Size:225 pages
About the author:
Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, mental strength coach and host of The Mentally Strong People podcast. She is a speaker who has given one of the most popular TEDx talks of all time. She is the international bestselling author of "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do". His books are translated into over 40 languages.
What is Mental Strength?
"mental force"It is the ability to control your emotions, thoughts and behavior in a positive way in any state of mind, such ascritical,thought, youcommitted.
Genetics, Personality and Experiencesare factors that are responsible for mental forces.
The basic resistances of metals areThoughts, Behaviorsyemotions. We choose our thoughts, behaviors or emotions according to the environment around us.
The following are common myths about mental strengths:
- To be mentally tough is to act tough. Ignoring your emotions is mentally tough.
- Treat your body like a mentally strong machine.
- Being mentally strong means that you must be completely self-sufficient.
- Being mentally strong means always thinking positive.
- To build mental strength is to pursue happiness.
- Mental strength means mental health.
Below, the author explains in detail how to develop mental strengths.
13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do:
- Wasting time feeling sorry for themselves
- give your power
- avoid change
- Focus on the things you cannot control.
- worry about pleasing everyone
- Fear of taking calculated risks
- live in the past
- Make the same mistakes over and over
- Resentment at other people's success.
- Exit after first failure
- fear of alone time
- Feel like the world owes them something
- Expect immediate results
Chapter 1: WASTING TIME FEELING SORRY ABOUT YOURSELF
What is self pity?
The person who feels bad about himself or thinks I deserve more or feels sorry for himself is self-pitying.
The author suggests that the following are symptoms of self-pity:
- You tend to think that your problems are worse than everyone else's.
- If it weren't for bad luck, you're sure you wouldn't have any.
- Problems seem to pile up for you at a much faster rate than they do for anyone else.
- You are sure that no one else understands how difficult your life is.
- Sometimes he chooses to take time off from leisure activities and social engagements so that he can stay home and think about his problems.
- You are more likely to tell people what went wrong during the day rather than what went right.
Why do we feel self-pity?
Because it's the easiest way to get attention or gain empathy. Some people who fear rejection use meanness to get help and also to avoid responsibility and defend themselves.
The following are a vital problem with stinginess:
- It's a waste of time.
- This leads to more negative emotions.
- It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- It prevents you from dealing with other emotions.
- It makes you ignore what's good in your life.
- It interferes with relationships.
How to stop feeling self-pity?
1. Change your behavior:Start with a small change in behavior because sometimes a small change can make a big difference.
act of kindness:
- Pay an unexpected compliment.
- Plant a tree.
- Give someone your seat on a crowded bus or subway.
- Let someone go ahead of you in line.
Do somethingphysical or mental activity:
- Sign up for a class.
- Read a book.
- Learn a new hobby.
2. Replace thoughts that encourage self-pity:The main reason behind self-pity is your decision. In any situation, if you say, "I deserve more", you feel self-pity or if you are satisfied with yourself, you feel happy and joyful.
Asking the following question can help to replace self-pitying thoughts:
- How else could I see my situation?
- What advice would you give to a loved one who has had this problem?
- What proof do I have that I can get through this?
3. Swap self-pity for gratitude:Self-pity is feeling sorry for yourself and thinking “I deserve more” and gratitude is thinking “I have more than I deserve”.
You begin to recognize the kindness and generosity of others.
Here are some habits that can help you focus on what you have to be thankful for:
- Write at least one thing you are grateful for in a journal like a gratitude journal.
- Each morning and evening, read the points in your gratitude journal aloud.
- If you feel self-pity around people or circumstances, start reading a journal or remember what you're grateful for.
What do you get after giving up self-pity?
Once you've given up self-pity, you don't get sick as often as others do. His immune system improves and he glides better at night. You feel motivated and invigorated at work. You feel the grateful experience and more happiness, joy and pleasure on a daily basis. You are also more likely to help other people than to behave generously and compassionately.
Chapter 2: THEY DON'T GIVE UP THEIR POWER
What does it mean to give up your power?
if your feeling ishatred, jealousy or envymost of your day for someone, so you're giving them your power.
The following are various situations that weaken its power:
- You are deeply offended by any criticism or negative comments you receive, regardless of the source.
- Other people have the ability to make you so angry that you say and do things that you later regret.
- You've changed your goals based on what other people have told you you should be doing with your life.
- When other people try to blame you for doing something, you reluctantly do it, even if you don't want to.
- You spend a lot of time complaining about people and circumstances you don't like.
- You tend to complain about all the things you "have to" do in life.
Trouble giving your power away:
When you give your power away, you become completely dependent on other people. You define your worth depending on other people's opinion. You feel helpless. Blame others instead of accepting your mistake or responsibility. When someone criticizes you, you become overly sensitive and one of the critical problems is that you never achieve your goal.
How to get your power back?
First, discover the people who have taken your power. So choose to forgive him instead of hating him and stop feeling like a victim like you are.
2. Change the way you see the situation:
When someone makes you feel bad about yourself or hurts your feelings, instead of getting offended or angry, just ignore them and move on.
3. Think before you act:
I am absolutely sure that you experience in your life at times your regret for your past action. So here are some ways to manage this type of action.
Every time you feel it, you will act out of frustration or anger, so take a deep breath or apologize for the situation and distract yourself.
What do you get after you regain your power?
You earn the following things:
- decision-making capacity
- You spend time and energy on the things you choose.
- It reduces the risk of depression, anxiety and other mental problems.
- reduce stress
- Increase pain tolerance.
- live longer
Chapter 3: DON'T FORGET THE CHANGE
What does it mean to walk away from change?
Change is a universal constant. Changes are difficult for human behavior because they trigger some uncomfortable emotions. Humans generally change at a much slower rate.
Here are examples of changes:
- You tend to justify a bad habit by convincing yourself that what you're doing isn't "so bad."
- You feel a lot of anxiety about changes in your routine.
- Even when you're in a bad situation, you fear that a change might make things worse.
- Every time you try to make a change, you work hard to stick with it.
- When your boss, family, or friends make changes that affect you, you find it difficult to adjust.
- You think a lot about making changes, but you put off doing something different later.
- You worry that the changes you've made won't last.
Types of changes:
- change from nothing
- Change of habit
- try something new change
- behavior change
- emotional change
- cognitive change
Why do we shy away from change?
For example, fear of change is like maybe you don't like the house you live in, but you fear a new house could have even bigger problems. It means you don't like the current situation, but you're worried that doing something different might make things worse.
2. Avoid discomfort:
You worry about change because you underestimate your ability to tolerate discomfort.
Doing something different means giving up something. And there is often pain associated with leaving something behind.
Problem with bounce change:
There are serious consequences for running away from change.
- You feel stuck in the same place for too long and your life becomes very boring.
- Everything changes over time, if you don't change, you won't learn anything new.
- Your life may not get better, you won't challenge yourself to develop healthier habits, and other people will get over you.
- The longer you wait, the harder it becomes.
How to accept the change?
Here are simple ways to help you accept the changes:
- IDENTIFY THE PROS AND CONS OF THE CHANGE:
First, choose what you want to change, then create a mindful list of the good and bad results of making changes. Now try a change for a week and then slowly increase it over time.
2. DEVELOP AN AWARENESS OF YOUR EMOTIONS:
Second, identify your emotion for accepting the change, for example if you are scared, worried, exhausted or nervous. Now balance your emotion with your rational thinking. Use your list to control your emotions to accept the change.
3. MANAGE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS:
Negative thoughts are very common to accept change and most of the time they are responsible for not accepting change. Negative thoughts are e.g. It will never work, it will be too hard, you won't be able to handle it, etc.
4. CREATE A SUCCESSFUL CHANGE PLAN:
Creating a change plan is an important step.
The next step is to create a plan:
- Create a goal for the next thirty days.
- Set a detailed daily schedule for your goal.
- Prepare for the task ahead.
- Monitor your progress.
- Behave like the person you want to become.
If you wanted to be healthier, you had to behave like a healthy person. Eating a healthy diet and getting more physical activity were two things she could start doing to get closer to her goals.
Chapter 4: THEY DON'T FOCUS ON THE THINGS THEY CAN'T CONTROL
Why do we try to control everything?
We like to have everything under control because we feel very safe. But thinking that we have the power to control everything can become problematic. It usually starts with anxiety and continually trying to control it is a waste of time and energy.
The following are examples of trying to control everything:
- You spend a lot of time and energy trying to prevent something bad from happening.
- You invest energy in wanting other people to change.
- When you are faced with a difficult situation, you believe that you can fix everything yourself.
- You believe that the outcome of any situation is entirely based on how much effort you choose to exert.
- You have a hard time delegating tasks to others because you think they won't do the job well.
Problem trying to keep everything under control:
If you always try to control everything, it leads to anxiety. Because you can't control everything. The more you try to control the situation, the more anxious you will become.
It's a waste of time and energy to control everything. As you worry more about a situation, your mental energy is wasted. You feel exhausted as you try to control it.
When you start controlling everything around you and telling people what to do or how to do it, you are also sabotaging relationships with people.
If something bad happens around you, you will blame yourself unnecessarily.
How to stop trying to control everything around you?
1. Identify your fears:
Whenever you're trying to control everything, ask yourself: What am I so afraid of? Are you afraid of not making it? Etc. First, accept the fears and understand them and try to control the specific fear.
2. Focus on what you can control:
When you feel a lot of anxiety about a situation, like you do, is it really a situation you can't control?
Then act accordingly.
3. Try to influence people without trying to control them:
Listen first, speak later. Share your opinion and concerns, but only once. Change your behavior. Point to the positive suggestion and say thank you.
Sometimes accept the situation around you.
What do you get after you stop trying to control everything around you?
When you stop trying to control every aspect of your life, you'll have more time and energy to spend on the things you can control. Experience greater happiness, better relationships with people, less stress, and more success.
Chapter 5: DON'T WORRY ABOUT PLEASEDING EVERYONE
What is people pleasing?
It's about trying to control how others feel. Always try to keep everyone happy even if you are hurt. Do favors even if you really don't want to. Try too hard to impress people.
The following are a sign of a people pleaser:
- You feel responsible for how others feel.
- The idea of someone being mad at you makes you feel uncomfortable.
- You tend to be a "jerk".
- You find it easier to agree with people than to express a contrary opinion.
- You often apologize even when you think you've done nothing wrong.
- He does everything possible to avoid conflict.
Why do we try to please people?
Fear of rejection, we feel ifI don't make you happy, you won't like me.
Fear of negative emotions, if you don't get enough positive reinforcement your behavior tries to make people feel happy.
We always treat other people better than ourselves in order to feel needed and important. We feelI'm worth something if I can make other people happy.
Problem pleasing people:
Your assumptions are not always true:
If you always please the people around you, but if they don't appreciate it, then you feelI do so much for you, but you do nothing for me.. This all happened because your assumptions are wrong.
People-pleasing relationships hurt:
If you always please other people around you, they will just take advantage of you without forming a deeper relationship with you.
People-pleasers lose sight of their values if they:
By always pleasing people, you can lose your true worth. Because it's like a habit for you and people take advantage of you.
How to avoid pleasing people?
Determine who you want to please:
Identify who you want to please to successfully reach your goal. Because you can't please everyone, it's a waste of time and people pleasing is easily manipulated. It is normal for other people to feel angry or disappointed.
Clarify your values:
Identify specific values in your life, such asfamily, career, education, money, etc.Where do you feel like pleasing other people than asking yourself, are my values benefiting from this? Act on your response.
Take time to decide whether to say yes or no:
Don't say yes to everyone. Take your time deciding whether to say yes or no. Before making any decisions, ask yourself: is this something I want to do? What will I gain by doing this? How will I feel if I do this?
What do you get after you stop pleasing people?
- Your self-confidence will increase.
- You will have more time and energy to dedicate to your goals.
- You feel less stressed.
- You will have healthier relationships.
- You will increase your willpower.
Chapter 6: THEY'RE NOT AFRAID TO TAKE CALCULATED RISKS
What is calculating risk?
Calculate risk, is a possibility of failure or probability that is estimated before taking any action. This is a good amount of research.
Examples of fear of taking calculated risks:
- You have difficulty making important decisions in your life.
- You spend a lot of time daydreaming about what you'd like to do, but you take no action.
- Sometimes you make a decision impulsively because thinking about the decision causes you a lot of anxiety.
- Sometimes you let other people make decisions for you so you don't have to.
- You avoid risk in at least some areas of your life (social, financial, or physical) because you are afraid.
- You think the results largely depend on luck.
Why do we avoid risks?
We make decisions or actions based on emotions and avoid rationality, calculation and logic. If it sounds too daunting, we avoid the risk, and if we're excited about the potential benefits, we're more likely to ignore the risk.
What's wrong with fearing risk?
You cannot be extraordinary without taking calculated risks:
If you don't take calculated risks, you will never reach your goal in life. You never become extraordinary and life becomes boring and unmotivated.
How to reduce the fear of taking a calculated risk?
Balance emotion with logic:
To reduce fear of taking a calculated risk, think rationally or logically about the situation rather than emotions.
Minimize risk maximize success:
To minimize the risk, do more research and gather as much information as possible.
Practice risk running:
Start with a small stone scratch and increase over time.
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